I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
