he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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