Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
