Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
