Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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