Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He felt like a one man threesome
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
