dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
