What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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