Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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