You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
