Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
