dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
