I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
