guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
