a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
