i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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