so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
