The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
