Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
