Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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