He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
