I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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