Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
