My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He passed out mid-signature
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
