My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
