Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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