I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
