Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
