obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
