I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
