so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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