sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
