im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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