I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
