Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Just puked most of my soul out..
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
