his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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