I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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