We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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