I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
