What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
