She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Do you remember whose house we're in?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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