i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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