highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
