i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
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