It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
