I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
it's like iHOP with fire
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
