I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
