I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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