Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
3 2 1 whiskey
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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