Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
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