I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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