We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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