Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
