I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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