At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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