Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
