All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
He felt like a one man threesome
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
