Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize