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• (574): View more from Indiana

  So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.

  (574): View more from Indiana

  Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.

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• (678): View more from Georgia

  Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.

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• (970): View more from Colorado

  Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad

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• (404): View more from Georgia

  I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.

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• (404): View more from Georgia

  I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.

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• (337): View more from Louisiana

  The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth

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• (919): View more from North Carolina

  But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?

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• (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.

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• (252): View more from North Carolina

  I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.

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• (616): View more from Michigan

  i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!

  (1-616): View more from Michigan

  BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!

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• (313): View more from Michigan

  Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector

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• (806): View more from Texas

  You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on

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• (1-417): View more from Missouri

  I don't think you could pull off being mean.

  (1-417): View more from Missouri

  How do you think I'm still single?

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• (970): View more from Colorado

  If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...

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• (512): View more from Texas

  Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  We need to get on his level

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