hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
