I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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